300,000,000 by Blake Butler
A lot of people will tell you that you can’t write a book review without reading the actual book. I think that’s a load of hogwash. Look at the New York Times Book Review. None of those reviewers actually read the book. Most of them said some stuff about other books, books they actually read, and skimmed the book they were reviewing for key words like “bludgeon”, “therefore”, and “1987 Mercury Sable”. What I am going to do is deliberately ruin the book for everybody. Forget spoilers I’m telling you the whole plot. Reviewers do it all the time briefly summarizing things and then coming up with whatever garbage they have roaming around in their mind. I hope this is a wonderful beginning of me ruining books for people.
You might have surmised that this is a book about some post-apocalyptic hell. You would be correct. Below is the entire plot of the book.
It is the year 2610 and the Snorlax is looking for delicious, yummy blueberries. Unfortunately all blueberries were brutally shot to death. Deeply sad the Snorlax goes into hibernate mode with his trusty 2012 HP Pavilion g6 laptop. Ten years later the Snorlax wakes up thirsting not for the rejuvenating powers of blueberries but for a much darker thing, online social media relevance.
The Snorlax begins a Tumblr and strategically befriends thousands of Tumblr users from across the world. Together they re-blog each other’s blog posts in an attempt to attain true online importance. His Klout score begins to increase from a lowly 30 to a respectable 50. While busy improving every aspect of his social media presence the Snorlax hears of a divine entity, the MEMEPLEX where he can attain true online relevance.
Excited, the Snorlax tries to transform into pure electric energy with the help of his close friend, Pikachu. Worried about his friend, Pikachu tries to talk the Snorlax out of it. But the Snorlax is determined. The Snorlax lives in a blight-ridden suburb since the suburbs were destroyed following the re-discovery of Arcade Fire’s most middling album, “The Suburbs”. Crowds bent on destroying any trace of “The Suburbs” spread out across the suburban-side to wipe out every trace. Hence individuals like the Snorlax found new suburbs, like Twitter, SnapChat, other dumb stuff, etc.
Before the Snorlax can attain true MEMEPLEX powers he must first get to the boss level. Forgoing sleep, losing his mind, does the Snorlax have what it takes to reach true online divinity? Skip a couple hundred pages and the answer is yes, he does but at great cost.
I hope this has effectively ruined the book for you. If you would still like to read it you can go here!